Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Vacation in Paradise" - 3rd WriteCampaign Challenge

OK, so it's time for the third and final challenge in Rachel Harrie's Platform Building Writers' Campaign. This time the challenge was called "Show Not Tell" and was described as follows:
"Write a blog post in 300 words or less, excluding the title. The post can be in any format, whether flash fiction, non-fiction, humorous blog musings, poem, etc. The blog post should show:
  • that it’s morning, 
  • that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
  • that the MC (main character) is bored
  • that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
  • that something surprising happens.
Just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: "synbatec," "wastopaneer," and "tacise."   (NB. these words are completely made up and are not intended to have any meaning other than the one you give them)."
I chose not to try to include the random words since they were optional. (Though, as a lover of Indian food, the idea of a "waste o' paneer" was troubling in the extreme...)

Without further ado...

Vacation in Paradise

Lea groaned. The moist air weighed on every inch of her body. The sun seared her eyeballs as she stared into it, out east over the water. The sand beneath her bare feet gritted. Her teeth gritted. Everything was pain and misery.

She plopped onto the ground. How much longer would she have to wait here for Jacob to return? He said he'd be back before dawn, but that had been a lie. Curse the man anyway, and his infernal plans.

She considered going inland but the thought of passing by the decaying corpses of fish and birds which would await her there left her nauseated. "Probably washed up by that tropical storm that blew through," Jacob had said. "Don't worry, they won't bite." He'd grinned that infernal cocky grin of his as he shoved off.

Whose bloody idea of a vacation was this anyway? She wanted rum to drink, pool boys to ogle, and long afternoon naps. Only Jacob would think to spend a month on a blasted treasure hunt bound to come to absolutely nothing. What a disaster. Not once in these weeks had she enjoyed herself. And now it was almost time to head back to Chicago and spreadsheets and godawful staff meetings every bloody afternoon.

At last, at long last, she saw a speck on the horizon. The speck became a dot became a boat became Jacob’s boat, thank God. At least he hadn’t gone off and died and left her here to rot like those awful carcasses.

The boat came all the way in. She considered punching Jacob’s ever-present cocky grin off his face. But then he spoke.

“Sorry, dear.” He turned around, hefted something enormous -- a decaying chest -- into his arms. “Those silly pirates buried their treasure awfully deep, though.”



If you liked this and want to vote for my entry, it is #68 in the list at the bottom of the challenge page.

Thanks for reading!

37 comments:

  1. Ooh very nice twist at the end! Great job!

    I'm entry #5

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  2. Sounds like they found some bullion after all! Good for them. See? Sticking to it can pay off in the long run. Great final entry, Michael! :)

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  3. Love the build up to the treasure. Sounds like a happily ever after to me :D

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  4. Nice twist, Michael! Great job! :)

    P.S. Can you believe everything that went on in my neck of the woods today? Yikes!

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  5. Ha, I like that! I'm always up for pirate treasure. Great imagery. Well done!

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  6. First, I love the juxtaposition of the title with the beginning. Made me smile right away. Great descriptions. Fantastic voice, too. I'm guessing she forgives him. ;)

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  7. Love the twist at the end. I can imagine the look on her face. lol

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  8. Thanks, everyone, for the comments. Glad that you've enjoyed the story.

    @Carrie, pretty crazy! There should be a story in that, too, no doubt.

    @Avery, yes, I suspect she does!

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  9. I like how "the speck became a dot became a boat became Jacob's boat." Fun ending, and nice work!

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  10. @Julie, that was one of my favorite parts, too. Glad that you liked it! :)

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  11. I loved your characters--they are so vivid! Wonderful job.

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  12. Nice twist at the end. Very vivid!

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  13. Man! I'd be all over that treasure hunt vacation! What's with Lea?! And PIRATES??!! Who doesn't love pirates?! That's like, not loving zombies! LOL

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  14. Micheal, I'm a new follower, but can't wait to read! Pirates! Treasure hunts! I'm there!

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  15. Arr, there be pirates! Love that he got the treasure! ; )

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  16. Thanks for all of the recent comments, everyone! Glad that you enjoyed my entry for this challenge.

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  17. That was wonderful! Love the touch of pirates at the end! arrgh arrgh!

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  18. Yay, a happy twist at the end. Those have been few in this challenge. Mine is #56

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  19. Nice! Finding treasure always make a vacation even more fun!! :D

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  20. Great job Michael-Jacob returning with the treasure made me smile :-)

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  21. Great job, Michael - Jacob is giving me a run for the money in the "world's most exasperating husband" competition!

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  22. Thanks, all, for your thoughts on this one. I enjoyed writing it quite a bit. Of the three challenges, this is the one that required the least fine-tuning. (Perhaps because of those extra 100 words to play with...)

    @ScottTheWriter, nuh-uh. I've got that one locked up.

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  23. Aha, buried treasure is always good. Love how bored she is, great descriptions.

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  24. Michael,

    I was glad the story ended the way it did! I couldn't imagine having a vacation like that completed screwed up...unless, of course, it meant coming out of it all with a bit of some old buried treasure! Great way of tapping into the stories from our younger years!

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  25. @Claire, yes, buried treasure is good. If I had some of that, I could spend even more hours writing! :)

    @Rance, glad you liked it! Yours was very good, too.

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  26. Great ending! I'll bet she'll think more kindly of Jacob in the future!
    Mine is #25.

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  27. I bet that eased all the pain and misery of the preceding hours, as well as the weeks of boredom... seems like all's well that ends well!
    Great write!
    (My entry at no.#47)

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  28. Buried treasure and pirates always makes a good tale! Strong characters. Great job!

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  29. at least he found the treasure, lea prob feels pretty stupid =)
    great story!

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  30. hi Michael,

    good job, her boredom and the twist were nicely done.

    mood
    (now following)
    Moody Writing
    @mooderino
    no. 79

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  31. Michael, this is a really great entry. Love the fact that it includes Pirates. Nice job.

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  32. Hey! Great entry! Just stopping by to let you know you've been picked to move on to the next round of judging! ^_^

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  33. Thanks, Francesca, for the good news!

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  35. Hi Michael, congratulations on making it to the final 12! I've now judged the entries, and you've come 8th! I loved how well you set the scene and showed her boredom/frustration - I could almost see myself there! Well done you!!!

    Don't forget to pop by Rach Writes... to see what you've won!

    Hugs,

    Rach

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  36. Awesome! Thanks for the good news, Rachael!

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